Posted in Therapy

Unexpected grief

Sharing fantastic news at my birthday party!

Congratulations! You’ll make great parents! 👣

The greatest feeling in the whole wide world!

Experiencing this amazing journey!

Didn’t know if we’d have a boy or girl! 💙💝

Changing diapers and thoughts of snuggling with our future little one on the couch!

Ultrasound excitement was turned upside down. 🙃

That heartbeat anticipation was replaced by a deep tug of sorrow

Smiles and laughter 😄😆 became a sad frown 😧☹️

The shock and the horror overwhelmed us two 😳

Suddenly it was time to say goodbye 😢

Words now turned to “I’m so sorry for you”

So many questions…asking why Why WHY?

It’s pain…full of cries and screams…we are lost 😩

We’ll never forget you baby

Always in our hearts ❤️

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Posted in Memories

Remembering Grandma Jean Noe (1923-2016)

Dear Grandma Noe, So now you are gone. But yet I take comfort in right now. Nothing can ever take away my fond memories of you and I together. When I sleep, I dream of you and grandpa. My heart is beating still. God bless those trees and birds from heaven’s light above. I wake to sing to the birds, go where I am reminded of you. Nothing can ever shake my will. We all must learn to face our fears. In our hour of darkness; shaking cold and searching for warmth while my heart tries to beat still. But we are born ready to die. But certainly I will try to let no one shake my will to live. In you grandma, I found a love in something beautiful. I grew my strength in places unknown. So now you must go to dance with grandpa up above. I will remember you always. Love your grandson, Chris

Posted in Memories

My Tribute #loss #despair #beauty #hope #child

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LIVE – LIGHTNING CRASHES (The Lyrics)

“Lightning crashes a new mother cries
Her placenta falls to the floor
The angel opens her eyes
The confusion sets in
Before the doctor can even close the door

Lightning crashes an old mother dies
Her intentions fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes
The confusion that was hers
Belongs now to the baby down the hall

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Lightning crashes a new mother cries
This moment she’s been waiting for
The angel opens her eyes
Pale blue colored iris
Presents the circle
And puts the glory out to hide, hide

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Oh now feel it, comin’ back again
Like a rollin’, thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin’ from
The center of the earth again
I can feel it.”

This song keeps going through my head….over and over and over again

 

We can’t always be happy but we can appreciate the beauty of gray….

I am sad. I am holding back tears. Someone I know just passed away due to complications during childbirth. I read the news today at work and my heart stopped because I am good friends with this girl’s sisters. Her name was Alla and now she is with God. But I’m so happy that she left behind her a beautiful baby that I’m sure Lisa and Anna as well as the rest of her family will be surely embracing with open arms. May she rest in peace……

 

Posted in Therapy

My Miracle Mom

I apologize in advance if I am getting my facts mixed up. This is how I remember the day my mother nearly met her fate.

10 years ago today on December 31st 2003, my mom was rapidly breathing in her bedroom. I asked her if she was okay, as we were both getting ready for work. Her answer didn’t indicate that it was serious but rather she was feeling a little weak, tired and under the weather. Although, she did have to lean on me when walking down the hallway. I admit that this was a little bit unusual but I simply just had my breakfast, made sure she took cold medicine or whatever and kissed her goodbye, hoping that she had a good day at work and to drive safely. I try to not to overreact to things and to keep cool. After a few hours at my job, the phone rings at my desk. It’s my sister. She asked me if mom was ok and if I have heard from her. She called mom several times with no answer. Then I called her. Nothing. A friend of hers down the street came by to check on her. I believe it was Pam. She opened the garage door and went into the family room. My mom was just laying on the couch sleeping, still panting heavily. Pam asked her if she was okay, or something like that. I think then she drove her to work perhaps? I say this because it was revealed that at some point she was at work but resting in the lounge and not at her desk. A co-worker, Cindy, drove her home but asked if she wanted to go to Urgent Care. My mom refused. So I think my mom drove herself to work.

What I know for certain is that my sister called back and in a seriously crying tone said, “You need to come quickly to the hospital.” I tried to pull myself together. What happened? Perhaps her friend Cindy took it upon herself to take her to the ER. Something wasn’t right. I excused myself from work and drove to the hospital. I was fighting back tears and my head was spinning as if I was in a nightmare and everything was distorted. What on earth happened? The doctor indicated some kind of blood infection. Perhaps it was pneumonia. Some of the signs were there. Chest pains when she breathed deeply or coughed, shortness of breath and fatigue with muscle aches.But whats all this with the blood infection? She had red spots all over her body, almost like chicken pox. Cognitively she wasn’t making any sense really. Her memory bank was randomly mentioning things out of the clear blue in a slurred speech pattern. My sister, Jessica and I were starting to freak out. Another friend, Yvonne was there, supporting us and trying to make sense out of this. In addition, Pam and Cindy came to see my poor mom in this unusual state. In my entire life up until I was 27 years old, my mother never went to the doctor or spent any time at the ER. This was serious and sudden.

The ER staff  ran EKG tests, ultrasound tests and  Cat Scans. All we knew is that she was very sick and would be admitted to the hospital for a long time. We also found out that she had diabetes. But what was the main culprit? The answer came as a sever shock! Bacterial Meningitis!! Woa! This was a deadly problem especially for a woman at age 52, at the time. How did she contract this horrible disease? Why was my mom being contained behind a glass wall? Why did we have to wear gloves and a mask suddenly, in order to see her? WHY? Her fever was high! 106 degrees! The stiff neck, the fluid in the lungs and the red spots were all present symptoms. This became a touch and go process. Family had to be contacted. With it being New Years Eve, many people were out of town and unavailable. How can I go to sleep? What’s going to happen?

days, weeks, and 2 months of; induced coma, a ventilator down her throat, neurologists, pulmonary specialists, therapists, 100’s of friends, family (distant ones from out of state), prayers and patience; my mother made it through these incredible odds. We dealt with social workers, late night headaches and tears. I battled a soar throat and fatgue of my own with the constant talking to employees and sharing stories with my relatives. We did what we needed to do in order to let the doctors and nurses do their thing. Honestly, I don’t know how she made it alive. A nurse once told me that she is a miracle. They never saw anyone fight so hard. Her not being able to talk and full of bed soars and the 50/50 odds of survival were all speaking doom.

Laughter, smiles, jokes and prayers is what ultimately did it, for me. I prayed to the Virgin Mary to help me get through this. I called her answering machine on her cell phone just to hear her voice until that day came when she was released to go home which wasn’t until the end of February of 2004. We helped her get stronger and encouraged her to see a physical therapist. She takes medicine for the diabetes and uses a cane to walk around. She managed to even return to work, although it was for a different company because her previous employer let her go, due to cutbacks. Even though it was unfair, she still was persistant and found employment elsewhere and continued to drive herself to and from work everyday.

Life can surprise you everyday. We all manage to endure a lot of pain and when we think the world around us is shattered, life reveals to us the truth. We can survive. It’s a miracle everyday when we take that first breath. Thank you mom for pulling through and being my miracle mom. I love you and HAPPY NEW YEAR

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