Crazy About Chris Noe

Maybe this is all in my head

Do I have a mental illness?

I have ADHD, epilepsy and take anti-seizure medication

I used to consume drugs and alcohol

In my late teens and most of my twenties

Then I stopped

Sure I have joked over the years that I belong in a psychiatric facility

Am I the one making insensitive and despicable remarks?

About others?

About myself?

Do I show signs of emotional weakness?

Are my issues minor?

Can I simply just get over them?

Will you judge me?

Over many years,

I have been in disagreements

Arguments

Fights

And heated discussions

About numerous subjects

These can be on the form of emails

Texts

Phone calls

Social networks

And simply face to face

My thoughts seem to control me

And make me wonder

If I am making trivial things really complicated

Are others being insensitive to my odd behavior patterns?

Do I just get busy

And distract myself

Or does ignoring the issue simply not help

in making my problems go away?

People ask me if I want to get better

YES I do

I am not choosing to stay “SICK”

On purpose

Nor am I too lazy or disinterested in trying

To improve my forgetfulness

And lack of focus

I do want to change

It’s easy for others to say to me:

“Change your attitude, stop focusing on the bad stuff and just start living. Snap out of it because we all feel this way sometimes.”

 

But living with ADHD and adjusting to my post-brain surgery life hasn’t been easy. It has been incredibly difficult actually; to mentally acclimate myself to a normal everyday life. For me to simply change my attitude can be quite exhausting while dealing with my spinning head!!!

 

When I am told to stop dwelling on the past or to not focus on my failures and to start living, I view that as one more sign of FAILURE

 

Sometimes people don’t have everything they need to improve their quality of life

Sometimes you need some assistance

I admit that I have received accommodations,

Help

And second chances

Throughout my life

There’s no denying that

But I can’t explain

My range of emotions

Sure we all feel sad occasionally

However, I can easily fall into states

Of panic attacks

Where things seem so dark

That I have forgotten what light looks like

As if I am consumed by a terrifying

Lightning storm of despair….

I am really NOT lazy

Or just making excuses

Or not trying hard enough

 

To even think that about me

Can be incredibly hurtful, honestly

Sometimes I feel like

There’s something wrong with me

And that I am a failure

Panic attacks can be awful

So I appreciate it

When my friends and family express concern

I enjoy talking out my problems

In order to get through them

My emotional issues

Are less visible and obvious

Than a broken arm or having the flu

But the key qualities in our daily life

That truly makes a difference

Among relationships

Are

Compassion

Support

And stability

I know that my life is beautiful

Happiness is my daily goal

It’s amazing what I have accomplished

I am blessed to have so many awesome friends

All I’m saying is that it takes a lot for me

To handle all of the distractions

Confusion

Of daily life

Things can feel like the tilt a whirl

And yet I can still persevere

That makes me feel awesome

Fist bumps are always welcome

How to feel ok with my choices

How am I supposed to know what to do? It’s hard for me to answer questions such as, “So what do you really want to do?” We eat dinner together and then we do separate things later. I am a people pleaser. Sometimes that feels like it gets me nowhere. Hurting someone’s feelings is not one of my goals in life. One would think that I would be proud of what I can accomplish in a day. This Saturday is a good example of my multitude of feelings. The emotional roller coaster ride of complication that I put myself through, almost daily.

There was a celebration of my Grandmothers 91st birthday today. The location is over twenty miles away. All day it has been snowing quite a bit. In fact, for over a month it has been cold and snowing. Anyways, we had to cancel and send our regrets for not being able to attend this birthday party because of unsafe traveling. My wife and I aren’t the greatest “snow drivers.” Even though I said something to the respective parties, I still felt bad and a little guilty for not being “man enough” to still press on and go. Instead; I went to a local grocery store, to test the winter waters, and brought home lunch.

This was a sign that driving as far away as we were originally going to do, wouldn’t have faired so well, for us. So with groceries in the kitchen, we are all set for the next week of food, etc. While home all day today, I practiced yoga and played video games. I also blogged ( in progress), watched a movie, did some editing on my forthcoming book, cleaned and did the dishes. Oh and made dinner too. My wife was also productive in her own ways too.

But the reason for this post is that I have a hard time making decisions. I tend to get distracted and lose focus quite easily. I think about friends that I am not currently hanging out with but then I think of upcoming dates to the movies and bowling parties with friends. I am all over the place. I rented another film from the library because my wife expressed interest in it, but we haven’t seen it due to some of our projects and activities we have been involved with. Still, I treat that lack of watching a film, that I have already seen, like it’s the end of the world.

Yoga is what ultimately saves me. Prayer, mediation and calm music can work their wonders on my mind and help relieve my stress so that I do not wander so much because that can lead to confusion and to anger. All I am asking is how can I make decisions without feeling bad for them?

 

The goal of course is to be….HAPPY