I wrote this in the Spring of 1996 at the community college I was attending at the time. I found it in my closet and felt like sharing it:
After all these years, I have realized that LISTS DON’T WORK for me.
Life is too short for me to live by to-do lists, chore lists and idea lists.
Let’s just say I want to do 5 or 6 AWESOME things on any given day. But I only get to 1 of them. So what? Who cares?
Life will go on
The world is not going to end.
If I feel like cleaning the toilet bowl….I will
If the carpet doesn’t get vacuumed for several days…..big deal
If I wanted to attend a YOGA class or catch a movie at the theater, but I didn’t…..doesn’t matter.
Sometimes we as human beings talk about great plans and then they just don’t happen.
Like that song by The Rolling Stones says, “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.” Or another song by Graham Nash where he says, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”
These words hold true for these so-called LISTS
I try too hard to organize every little detail down to this systematic lists of things I must do, why?
I don’t need a list to tell me what to do
In other words…..Just Do It….like NIKE says
And that….my friend….will make me much happier! 🙂
Maybe this is all in my head
Do I have a mental illness?
I have ADHD, epilepsy and take anti-seizure medication
I used to consume drugs and alcohol
In my late teens and most of my twenties
Then I stopped
Sure I have joked over the years that I belong in a psychiatric facility
Am I the one making insensitive and despicable remarks?
Do I show signs of emotional weakness?
Are my issues minor?
Can I simply just get over them?
Will you judge me?
Over many years,
I have been in disagreements
And heated discussions
About numerous subjects
These can be on the form of emails
And simply face to face
My thoughts seem to control me
And make me wonder
If I am making trivial things really complicated
Are others being insensitive to my odd behavior patterns?
Do I just get busy
And distract myself
Or does ignoring the issue simply not help
in making my problems go away?
People ask me if I want to get better
YES I do
I am not choosing to stay “SICK”
Nor am I too lazy or disinterested in trying
To improve my forgetfulness
And lack of focus
I do want to change
It’s easy for others to say to me:
“Change your attitude, stop focusing on the bad stuff and just start living. Snap out of it because we all feel this way sometimes.”
But living with ADHD and adjusting to my post-brain surgery life hasn’t been easy. It has been incredibly difficult actually; to mentally acclimate myself to a normal everyday life. For me to simply change my attitude can be quite exhausting while dealing with my spinning head!!!
When I am told to stop dwelling on the past or to not focus on my failures and to start living, I view that as one more sign of FAILURE
Sometimes people don’t have everything they need to improve their quality of life
Sometimes you need some assistance
I admit that I have received accommodations,
And second chances
Throughout my life
There’s no denying that
But I can’t explain
My range of emotions
Sure we all feel sad occasionally
However, I can easily fall into states
Of panic attacks
Where things seem so dark
That I have forgotten what light looks like
As if I am consumed by a terrifying
Lightning storm of despair….
I am really NOT lazy
Or just making excuses
Or not trying hard enough
To even think that about me
Can be incredibly hurtful, honestly
Sometimes I feel like
There’s something wrong with me
And that I am a failure
Panic attacks can be awful
So I appreciate it
When my friends and family express concern
I enjoy talking out my problems
In order to get through them
My emotional issues
Are less visible and obvious
Than a broken arm or having the flu
But the key qualities in our daily life
That truly makes a difference
I know that my life is beautiful
Happiness is my daily goal
It’s amazing what I have accomplished
I am blessed to have so many awesome friends
All I’m saying is that it takes a lot for me
To handle all of the distractions
Of daily life
Things can feel like the tilt a whirl
And yet I can still persevere
That makes me feel awesome
Fist bumps are always welcome