Posted in Uncategorized

Hugs are MAGICAL

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I love hugs. I feel connected to this world when someone gives me a hug. A warm embrace of genuine friendship makes me happy. Doesn’t matter if I give the hug or somebody else hugs me first. I no longer feel alone in this world when this occurs. It is therapy for sad & grumpy days. Suddenly I feel safe, like everything is gonna be alright. Hugging someone builds trust and boosts my ego and I am in a good mood. Its relaxing and I am loaded with confidence. Give a hug today. I guarantee you’ll feel better.

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Posted in Therapy

Who Gives A List?

After all these years, I have realized that LISTS DON’T WORK for me.

Life is too short for me to live by to-do lists, chore lists and idea lists.

Let’s just say I want to do 5 or 6 AWESOME things on any given day. But I only get to 1 of them. So what? Who cares?

Life will go on

The world is not going to end.

If I feel like cleaning the toilet bowl….I will

If the carpet doesn’t get vacuumed for several days…..big deal

If I wanted to attend a YOGA class or catch a movie at the theater, but I didn’t…..doesn’t matter.

 

Sometimes we as human beings talk about great plans and then they just don’t happen.

Like that song by The Rolling Stones says, “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.” Or another song by Graham Nash where he says, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

 

These words hold true for these so-called LISTS

 

I try too hard to organize every little detail down to this systematic lists of things I must do, why?

 

I don’t need a list to tell me what to do

In other words…..Just Do It….like NIKE says

 

And that….my friend….will make me much happier!  🙂

 

 

List

 

Posted in Therapy

Crazy About Chris Noe

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Maybe this is all in my head

Do I have a mental illness?

I have ADHD, epilepsy and take anti-seizure medication

I used to consume drugs and alcohol

In my late teens and most of my twenties

Then I stopped

Sure I have joked over the years that I belong in a psychiatric facility

Am I the one making insensitive and despicable remarks?

About others?

About myself?

Do I show signs of emotional weakness?

Are my issues minor?

Can I simply just get over them?

Will you judge me?

Over many years,

I have been in disagreements

Arguments

Fights

And heated discussions

About numerous subjects

These can be on the form of emails

Texts

Phone calls

Social networks

And simply face to face

My thoughts seem to control me

And make me wonder

If I am making trivial things really complicated

Are others being insensitive to my odd behavior patterns?

Do I just get busy

And distract myself

Or does ignoring the issue simply not help

in making my problems go away?

People ask me if I want to get better

YES I do

I am not choosing to stay “SICK”

On purpose

Nor am I too lazy or disinterested in trying

To improve my forgetfulness

And lack of focus

I do want to change

It’s easy for others to say to me:

“Change your attitude, stop focusing on the bad stuff and just start living. Snap out of it because we all feel this way sometimes.”

 

But living with ADHD and adjusting to my post-brain surgery life hasn’t been easy. It has been incredibly difficult actually; to mentally acclimate myself to a normal everyday life. For me to simply change my attitude can be quite exhausting while dealing with my spinning head!!!

 

When I am told to stop dwelling on the past or to not focus on my failures and to start living, I view that as one more sign of FAILURE

 

Sometimes people don’t have everything they need to improve their quality of life

Sometimes you need some assistance

I admit that I have received accommodations,

Help

And second chances

Throughout my life

There’s no denying that

But I can’t explain

My range of emotions

Sure we all feel sad occasionally

However, I can easily fall into states

Of panic attacks

Where things seem so dark

That I have forgotten what light looks like

As if I am consumed by a terrifying

Lightning storm of despair….

I am really NOT lazy

Or just making excuses

Or not trying hard enough

 

To even think that about me

Can be incredibly hurtful, honestly

Sometimes I feel like

There’s something wrong with me

And that I am a failure

Panic attacks can be awful

So I appreciate it

When my friends and family express concern

I enjoy talking out my problems

In order to get through them

My emotional issues

Are less visible and obvious

Than a broken arm or having the flu

But the key qualities in our daily life

That truly makes a difference

Among relationships

Are

Compassion

Support

And stability

I know that my life is beautiful

Happiness is my daily goal

It’s amazing what I have accomplished

I am blessed to have so many awesome friends

All I’m saying is that it takes a lot for me

To handle all of the distractions

Confusion

Of daily life

Things can feel like the tilt a whirl

And yet I can still persevere

That makes me feel awesome

Fist bumps are always welcome

Posted in Uncategorized

Flashback Friday: June 2011

My wife dedicated her blog entry to me today with a sketch and a touching poem written by my favorite poet, e.e. cummings.

art.textiles.design: Denielle Noe

In recognition of Valentine’s Day I decided that I would post a journal entry on a subject near and dear to my heart- my husband and my life-partner Chris.
This journal entry is a drawing that I did of my husband after recently moving into our awesome apartment. After many weeks of unpacking boxes we were cashed out in our bedroom just relaxing. In that moment as I gazed upon my husband, I was captivated by his position as he was contemplating what to do for the rest of day. I took a quick photo with my camera phone. My husband looked at me quizzically and asked me what I am doing. I told him I want to draw you and rushed away with artful gleam in my eyes.

With my little camera phone photo as a reference I did a quick sketch and the rest as they say is…

View original post 171 more words

Posted in Uncategorized

A Golden Opportunity

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I am employed at an excellent company with awesome benefits. Ball Seed is a world leader in plant development & distribution. So I have a career in the Horticultural world. Ever since I began working there almost eleven years ago, I have been exceptionally HAPPY. The people I interact with every day are simply amazing! After all of these years I have received numerous vacation days,made a lot of friends and have experienced other great opportunities. One major accomplishment  I will share with you now.

You see, after ten years, you get to attend a great big banquet and award ceremony. Cocktails, mingling and music kicked off a spectacular evening. It felt like a real classy wedding, or something. Gourmet food was certainly quite delicious! Managers gave speeches awarding everyone with such dedication and the years of service put into the company. I received my award pin and got to hug the C.E.O. on this special night. I received a book with a list of prizes to claim.

The prize I chose was “travel vouchers.” I spent some time with my wife deciding where to go and what to do. Finally, we made our decision. I wanted to go somewhere I haven’t been to since my father and I took a special journey almost fifteen years ago. Nature, wildlife, mountains, rivers, fresh smell of pine needles, history and a peaceful retreat is exactly what I need. To get away from the hustle and the bustle of the suburbs provides salvation to this busy life I can get caught up into daily.

I am simply talking about the Black Hills of South Dakota. To some folks, this may not seem that exciting but it is for us. Hiking through the woods, lakes and hills among fresh air and away from computer devices is great medicine. To observe wild rock formations known as the “badlands” and man-made tributes to our presidents (Mount Rushmore) and great Native American warriors (Crazy Horse) blasted on lush, breathtaking mountain tops are truly remarkable.

We are staying in an old restored 1800’s cabin for five days. We are “unplugging.” I am taking photography lessons before our roadtrip this Spring. I want to enhance my skills and use my wife’s Pentax digital camera and get a better grasp of shutter speed, aperture and lighting. Taking pictures is a passion of mine. Roadtrips are a passion of mine. Exploring the great outdoors and the essence of America is what we are seeking.

So this voyage was 15 years in the making. Uncle Sam made this possible and most certainly I owe a debt of gratitude to Ball Horticultural Company and all of these exciting years getting to know a wonderful family. They rewarded me for all of my efforts. Because I love music so much, I like to make playlists and soundtracks to the various moments I experience. I truly feel this is a great opportunity that I must take to center myself.

My wife is spiritual and connected to her Native American heritage deeply. She loves the outdoors, even if the outdoors don’t always agree with her asthma and allergies. But she enjoys hiking and kayaking anyways and doesn’t let her medical issues stop her from embracing life. We both agree that I’d love to own a cottage in South Dakota some day. The sights and sounds of the black hills’ forests are quite astonishing!

So this is something that is truly exciting for me and most certainly makes me HAPPY.

Posted in Therapy

How to feel ok with my choices

How am I supposed to know what to do? It’s hard for me to answer questions such as, “So what do you really want to do?” We eat dinner together and then we do separate things later. I am a people pleaser. Sometimes that feels like it gets me nowhere. Hurting someone’s feelings is not one of my goals in life. One would think that I would be proud of what I can accomplish in a day. This Saturday is a good example of my multitude of feelings. The emotional roller coaster ride of complication that I put myself through, almost daily.

There was a celebration of my Grandmothers 91st birthday today. The location is over twenty miles away. All day it has been snowing quite a bit. In fact, for over a month it has been cold and snowing. Anyways, we had to cancel and send our regrets for not being able to attend this birthday party because of unsafe traveling. My wife and I aren’t the greatest “snow drivers.” Even though I said something to the respective parties, I still felt bad and a little guilty for not being “man enough” to still press on and go. Instead; I went to a local grocery store, to test the winter waters, and brought home lunch.

This was a sign that driving as far away as we were originally going to do, wouldn’t have faired so well, for us. So with groceries in the kitchen, we are all set for the next week of food, etc. While home all day today, I practiced yoga and played video games. I also blogged ( in progress), watched a movie, did some editing on my forthcoming book, cleaned and did the dishes. Oh and made dinner too. My wife was also productive in her own ways too.

But the reason for this post is that I have a hard time making decisions. I tend to get distracted and lose focus quite easily. I think about friends that I am not currently hanging out with but then I think of upcoming dates to the movies and bowling parties with friends. I am all over the place. I rented another film from the library because my wife expressed interest in it, but we haven’t seen it due to some of our projects and activities we have been involved with. Still, I treat that lack of watching a film, that I have already seen, like it’s the end of the world.

Yoga is what ultimately saves me. Prayer, mediation and calm music can work their wonders on my mind and help relieve my stress so that I do not wander so much because that can lead to confusion and to anger. All I am asking is how can I make decisions without feeling bad for them?

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The goal of course is to be….HAPPY

Posted in quotes

Sunshine Joy

If I had to choose 3 poets who have inspired me to become a writer, I would choose e.e. cummings, Rumi and T. S. Elliot.

Below is an example of some of e.e. cummings finest work. It is an uplifting poem. He preferred to ignore traditional rules of grammar and punctuation. He also used a lot of lowercase letters. Nonetheless, I wrote my first poem in high school because of him. I enjoy free verse, no rhymes and curious stanzas……all of which make me happy!


i thank You God for most this amazing. . .

by e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any–lifted from the no
of all nothing–human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

next time….I will post a wonderful selection from the great Persian Poet….Rumi