Posted in Therapy

Crazy About Chris Noe

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Maybe this is all in my head

Do I have a mental illness?

I have ADHD, epilepsy and take anti-seizure medication

I used to consume drugs and alcohol

In my late teens and most of my twenties

Then I stopped

Sure I have joked over the years that I belong in a psychiatric facility

Am I the one making insensitive and despicable remarks?

About others?

About myself?

Do I show signs of emotional weakness?

Are my issues minor?

Can I simply just get over them?

Will you judge me?

Over many years,

I have been in disagreements

Arguments

Fights

And heated discussions

About numerous subjects

These can be on the form of emails

Texts

Phone calls

Social networks

And simply face to face

My thoughts seem to control me

And make me wonder

If I am making trivial things really complicated

Are others being insensitive to my odd behavior patterns?

Do I just get busy

And distract myself

Or does ignoring the issue simply not help

in making my problems go away?

People ask me if I want to get better

YES I do

I am not choosing to stay “SICK”

On purpose

Nor am I too lazy or disinterested in trying

To improve my forgetfulness

And lack of focus

I do want to change

It’s easy for others to say to me:

“Change your attitude, stop focusing on the bad stuff and just start living. Snap out of it because we all feel this way sometimes.”

 

But living with ADHD and adjusting to my post-brain surgery life hasn’t been easy. It has been incredibly difficult actually; to mentally acclimate myself to a normal everyday life. For me to simply change my attitude can be quite exhausting while dealing with my spinning head!!!

 

When I am told to stop dwelling on the past or to not focus on my failures and to start living, I view that as one more sign of FAILURE

 

Sometimes people don’t have everything they need to improve their quality of life

Sometimes you need some assistance

I admit that I have received accommodations,

Help

And second chances

Throughout my life

There’s no denying that

But I can’t explain

My range of emotions

Sure we all feel sad occasionally

However, I can easily fall into states

Of panic attacks

Where things seem so dark

That I have forgotten what light looks like

As if I am consumed by a terrifying

Lightning storm of despair….

I am really NOT lazy

Or just making excuses

Or not trying hard enough

 

To even think that about me

Can be incredibly hurtful, honestly

Sometimes I feel like

There’s something wrong with me

And that I am a failure

Panic attacks can be awful

So I appreciate it

When my friends and family express concern

I enjoy talking out my problems

In order to get through them

My emotional issues

Are less visible and obvious

Than a broken arm or having the flu

But the key qualities in our daily life

That truly makes a difference

Among relationships

Are

Compassion

Support

And stability

I know that my life is beautiful

Happiness is my daily goal

It’s amazing what I have accomplished

I am blessed to have so many awesome friends

All I’m saying is that it takes a lot for me

To handle all of the distractions

Confusion

Of daily life

Things can feel like the tilt a whirl

And yet I can still persevere

That makes me feel awesome

Fist bumps are always welcome

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Author:

Writer, Poet and Music geek

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